There is nothing I want to do,
I seek and seek but find no answers,
Every path leads to a dead end.
There's something out there,
In me,
Fulfilling, meaningful, exciting.
I don't know what it is but
It's getting closer though still
Just beyond reach.
I'll find it.
It had been a year or two
Since I had last seen them.
We had been good friends.
From the moment I said hello,
I could tell something was off.
They seemed uneasy, reserved.
It was about my slightly longer hair and
How it made them feel.
We never spoke again.
I can always think of
Some new project,
A shiny object to be chased,
The next big thing.
Each fizzles in time,
None satisfies me.
All I create are
Stark reminders of
Open wounds caused by
Those who stole my identity.
I've always felt different because
I grew up being told that
It's not okay to be me,
That I need to defer to
What everyone else wants,
Put myself one down,
My sense of self destroyed.
I came to believe that
Who I am doesn't matter,
I'm not like others,
I don't fit in,
Nobody gets me,
This world isn't made for me.
Events present themselves and
I'm remarkably adept at
Making a mess of them.
I handle situations poorly,
Complicating everything.
It's all so daunting.
I don't know what it
Means to be an adult,
I'd rather just have fun.
I'm immature.
Constantly second-guessing myself, Unsure whether what I'm doing is correct, Most often certain it's not, The voices from the distant past Telling me not to trust my own thoughts, To go with anything but What I think is appropriate, To label myself incompetent and Look to anyone but myself for answers, That I can't make decisions.
I try all kinds of things,
Urgently, compulsively, earnestly
Trying to figure out
What I want to do with my life,
Never finding something
That quite fits,
Constantly shifting direction.
I don't know who I am.
So many
Have become reactionary,
Afraid of anyone
Who isn't like them,
Perceiving threats
Where there are none,
Holding on for dear life to
Unearned privilege,
Emotionally dead.
Perhaps they always were,
I just didn't know it.
The change was abrupt,
Much faster than
One might ever expect.
It was as if all the
Restraints had been
Taken off
After years of containment,
And I was there
To bear the brunt.
I was looking forward to
A fun gathering and
Instead got a
Horrible nightmare.
I pretended to be happy
While you were with
Someone else,
So no one would
See my pain.