What’s the difference between a fast car and an even faster car? One doesn’t have a mustache.

Some good friends meet for a delicious seafood buffet. Everyone heads directly for the crab except for Bob, who is stuck in the booth. (Sad music plays as Bob struggles to free himself, becomes exhausted, and passes out.)

Why do so many people want to be a celebrity? Free broccoli.

Why was the chef in the fancy restaurant so angry? I don’t know but I wish he’d put on a shirt.

The rock band members were generally happy with their manager, except when he tried to change the band’s name to: The Cinnamon Roll Rock and Roll Hair Rollers, instead of their current name: The Rock and Roll Lobster Roll Comptrollers.

A drunk frat guy sees another guy talking to his girlfriend across the room. He walks toward them, giving the guy a menacing look. Find out what happens next in my upcoming book: Making Wonderful Wildflower Sachets.

An ancient legend says that, on a moonlit night on a cliff overlooking the ocean, a lone wolf howled at the moon to conjure the spirits of his ancestors. He howled so plaintively and for so long that he needed a throat lozenge.

Have you ever had your leg fall asleep and then some kind of furry animal comes along and starts chewing on it but you don’t mind too much because, you know, you can’t feel feel it, but later you kind of regret it. Good times.

Why was everyone in the office so upset last Monday? They missed lunch due to the volcano erupting. That and the boss mentioning something about no volcano time off allowed.

Excellent camping tip: If a bear enters your campsite, disorient it with incredibly boring stories about your kids.

Excellent secret agent name: Rockefeller… Oysters Rockefeller.

The scientist was overjoyed when he realized that, after many years of hard work, he had discovered how to coordinate his shirt with his pants.

During their romantic dinner at an exclusive restaurant, Tiffany was overcome with emotion when her boyfriend Kyle got down on one knee in front of her, looked into her eyes, and tied her shoe.

What’s more amazing than a person being able to walk on hot coals? A family picture where everyone is wearing really thick glasses.

What is the most amazing human achievement in all of history? Not square dancing.