What’s cuter than someone doing a happy dance? A Tyrannosaurus Rex wearing a bonnet. This just in: The Tyrannosaurus has eaten the person doing the happy dance.

The famous magician impressed everyone with amazing illusions that defied explanation, including his incredible “Cut a Piece of Cheese in Half Using a Knife” trick.

Why was the young woman such a picky eater? She had studied the work of Brillat-Savarin extensively.

Ralph fancied himself quite an expert at renovating old houses, especially the part where he would get stuck in a window and the real construction workers would have to use a crane to extract him.

Good way to ask someone out? Stand somewhere near them and inquire as to whether they would like to go out with you, then start sweating profusely so that your shirt becomes see-through and accentuates your gut. Guaranteed results.

When the first western explorer set eyes on the ruins of Machu Picchu, he was amazed by its lofty location, the precision of the stonework, and the convenient hot dog stand.

The Johnson family went camping and discovered they had forgotten their sleeping bags. Undeterred, they used their raccoon summoning powers to ask for help. A group of wise raccoons arrived and built them the most beautiful pile of sticks anyone who wanted to sleep on a pile of sticks could have dreamed of.

It was a brutally cold day but Ralph decided to go outside and check the mail anyway, slowly realizing, as usual, that he wasn’t wearing pants.

What do you call a cat that loves playing with yarn? A lonely soul looking for meaning in an otherwise empty life. The end. Or, perhaps, Whiskers.

The famous conductor walked onstage to thunderous applause. He bowed graciously and fell into the orchestra pit. This and other fascinating stories in my upcoming book: How to Look Classy while Tripping into an Orchestra Pit.

If I could have one superhero superpower it would be, of course, hands that always smell like onions.

There are three things that are vital to living a happy life: Meaningful activities, positive relationships, and, of course, plenty of beets.