If you want to be a famous rock star you need to form a band, write great songs, perform live for people and, of course, take as many trumpet lessons as possible.

Wonderful childhood memories: Watching all my friends eat refreshing watermelon on a hot summer day while I ate a sandmelon.

Nobody was quite sure why Bob showed up to the job interview at the law firm wearing a magician’s outfit. Things became clearer when he pulled a rabbit out of a hat and started kissing it passionately.

Dennis thought his dating life would improve if he learned how to play the guitar. Unfortunately, he was an alligator and all he could do was kind of chew on the instrument for a while. So he decided to grow a fancy moustache instead.

There was a touching moment at the wedding reception when someone handed my grandmother a microphone to say a few words and she tried to speak into the wrong end. Things became a little less heartwarming when she started hitting everyone at her table with it.

Kylie dazzled everyone at the party with her gorgeous dress and her, “Old Guy Sitting on a Park Bench Feeding the Pigeons,” dance move.

Three guys walk into a bar. The first guy orders a whiskey. The second guy orders a whiskey. The third guy has a bad perm.

What’s worse than touching your tongue to an electric fence? Some lady in an office announcing she’s going to do a happy dance.

Knock knock. Who’s there? Vampire. Vampire who? A scary vampire. Come on Harry, I know it’s you. What gave it away? Something about the moustache and short shorts. (Sad music plays as Harry walks away and turns into a bat with a moustache and short shorts.)

Dating tip: Don’t talk too much and also don’t bring along your pet ferret because he’ll charm your date and steal her away. I know from experience and lets just say me and the ferret aren’t on speaking terms until I get an apology.

A tall, handsome man leaves his opulent mansion and gets into his exotic car to go meet his supermodel wife at the opera. The moral of the story? My life is nothing like this. (A sad song plays in the distance as I get off the couch, trip on a pizza box, and land on a bowling ball.)

At the wedding reception, the Lord of the Underworld appears through a thick cloud of acrid smoke and offers everyone a delightful mimosa.

Two business guys are presenting at a convention. Read more riveting stories like these in my upcoming book: “How I Taught My Ferret to Be the Best Boyfriend I’ve Ever Had.”

What’s more beautiful than a gorgeous sunset on a lovely tropical island? The mesmerizing sound of a really squeaky clarinet.

The horrifying dragon was getting ready to go out and terrorize the nearby town when the unthinkable happened; he ran out of moisturizer.