This year’s family reunion was an emotional event because Kyle was the first member of the family to graduate from college. Everyone had tears in their eyes when he walked into the room wearing really tight pants.

Everyone thought that a huge storm was coming but it was only uncle Ralph taking a bath.

What did one computer say to the other computer at the swap meet? You hard drive a bargain.

Excellent rock band name: The who left the cap off the toothpaste.

Three college guys go to a bar. The first one says, “I’m going to meet a cute girl tonight.” The second guy says, “I’m going to meet the woman of my dreams.” The third guy says, “I love turnips.”

What’s worse than falling on a cactus? My aunt Donna singing a song about cute babies.

What is more fun than a business convention? Moss. Also acceptable, gangrene.

Why did the restaurant not have very many customers? One word: Tuna ice cream sundaes.

The sinister vampire was driving around at night looking for his next victim. He saw a beautiful young woman and, as usual, his vampire van broke down causing him to have to have to call someone to tow him back to his castle.

Hot fashion tip: When wearing tight jeans, make sure you don’t ruin the look by stuffing things like a wrench or a trumpet in the back pockets.

While driving around in the countryside, Bob’s nerves were getting frazzled by all the raucous laughter coming from the back of the car, then he remembered he was giving some hyenas a ride.

Susan was the most popular girl in the whole high school. She was a cheerleader and an excellent student as well. More stories like this in my new book, Things That Are Much Worse Than Hitting Myself with a Hammer on the Head.

The advertising meeting with the car company executives was going smoothly until Harry revealed his “Now with More Delicious Corn Flavor” campaign.

Sometimes I have a hard time walking around in nature because I feel like the birds are giving me weird looks and judging me.

No matter what he did, Bob’s office chair kept squeaking; a joke the mouse under his desk never got tired of.